I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
