we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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