apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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