Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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