Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
