Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
