The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
