tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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