Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
