Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
