You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
