he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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