I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
