our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
