just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
