Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
