I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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