i jhust puked up my retainher.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
