You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
