God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
