Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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