eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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