And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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