My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
