remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
