As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
