Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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