I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
