Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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