Don't make out with my wife yet
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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