if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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