Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
