You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
