we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
