everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
