he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
