you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
