Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry about my life...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
