why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
