My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
