I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
