He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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