So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
