I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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