I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
