i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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