the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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