you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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