the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
