how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
