After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
