She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
