I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
birth control should be required to get into college
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
